Snowballs for George

I hope you’ll all forgive my spate of snow-blogging. It’s been fun. I needed the gentle diversion. And frankly, I’ve been so dismayed by everything I’m reading in the news lately that I simply haven’t been able to pin down a single coherent point.

In that, I’m sure I’m much like our Dear Leader, who has long had coherence issues. George, I’ve got a suggestion for you. Try snow-blogging. It’s non-impact exercise, isn’t fattening unless you bring the package of Chips Ahoy with you to your desk and, as far as I know, hasn’t taken food or medical care from little kids, elders or veterans, interred any illegal immigrants or their children, got anyone killed or started any new, deplorable wars.

While you’re at it, my brother-in-babble, slap some duct tape over Dick Cheney’s mouth and lock him up in his undisclosed location. With Big Dick as a friend, America doesn’t need enemies. Honestly, George, the world needs a breather.

You see, while you’re snow-blogging you start noticing the sorts of things that most people, all around the world, are most interested in. Talk about your hearts and minds! You’ll discover things like, oh, birds, for example. Like me, you might take to sitting at your kitchen window with the digital camera ready, hoping a Steller’s jay might land on the suet feeder stake right there and stay just long enough for you to snap a good photo. It would make you feel really good, George.

As you snow-blog, you’ll discover that keeping the stove stoked with seasoned firewood so you can back up to it and warm your butt is a really nice, simple pleasure. Sure, there’s a little prep-work involved – I’ve done some writing about that below, in earlier posts – but it’s more than worthwhile. There’s just nothing like the heat of a nice fire to make you feel all calm and non-belligerent.

Snow-blogging doesn’t rile up the brain-cells, it soothes them, George. Before you know it, you’ll be putting on your snowsuit (the one with the presidential seal on the left chest) so you can take ol’ Barney out for a rousing snow-romp. He’ll look so cute, chesting his short way through the snow, that stiff little tail up like a flag! You can build snow-presidents! If you’re still feeling a little aggressive after that, there’s nothing like schlepping together a hefty snow-bunker and throwing well-aimed snowballs at Condi. She’ll shriek and laugh and try to throw some girly-snowballs back at you, but mainly you’ll just get a good har-dee-har-har out of the whole exercise.

So will she. I’m sure it will be good for you both. But George, you’ll have to quash that urge to pack those snowballs into hardened projectiles. They hurt and really, hurting people misses the whole point.

Remember, we’re working on that tendency to incoherence and learning how actual people – the ones you have wet dreams about bombing and maybe even nuking – actually live.

Snow-blogging also helps to work up a good appetite for food, rather than revenge. Why, just yesterday it inspired me to bake a little blueberry-walnut bread – a delicacy, George, when it’s warm with melted butter, believe me – and for supper, to try an actual meat loaf. I hadn’t made one of those for years! My last attempt resembled a heavy, oval brick, better for throwing like a football than for eating. I didn’t throw it, but the dogs enjoyed it. They’ll eat anything. My meat loaf turned out wonderful this time, savory and good, with feta cheese stuffed into the middle.

I’m sure you could come up with something just as delicious, thanks to snow-blogging. Just a warning, though – don’t hide those razor blades in the meat loaf, George. That’s just plain mean. I know, I know, where’s the fun, then? But really, you just have to give it a try.

Snow-blogging makes you sleepy, too, because throwing snowballs and walking to the market in the snow is sorta hard work. Now I know you’re good at hard work, George, because you’ve talked about how much of it you do all the time. What’s nice about this kind of hard work is that no one has to die because you’re doing it! And after you come back inside, and warm your butt by that nice fire and eat some of your blueberry-walnut bread, you’ll want to stretch out in your favorite Presidential Chair with a comic book and indulge in a nice nap.

Naps are good. Everyone likes naps. Even the Iranians.

But you know what the greatest thing about about snow-blogging is, George? It reminds you that you’re human, and that the best things in life, really, are very simple. Warmth, food, friends, family, laughter, play. Snow-blogging makes you feel like you’re an intimate part of human race. It raises your ability to empathize with people you don’t even know! And it gives you the most gentle, serene sense of peace, George. You’d benefit a lot from that, I just know it.

So would the rest of us.