My daughter, “Dragon Laugh” of the blog When Dragons Laugh gave me the bidness for not posting more often and, as punishment, tagged me with a bunch of “survey” questions one of her strange but wonderfully whacky wehr-mates thought up. She promised me fun and told me I had to tag some other folks. So I did it. Because, after all, we’re family:
- What's in your pocket?
Yikes! No pockets! Where did I put my pockets?
2. Is the pork ready?
It depends on your definition of "pork."
3. Have you ever had to rock to and fro to make your poopie go?
When you reach my age, dear, this is called "entertainment."
4. Do you like onions?
Not particularly. But then, I hate to cry.
5. So, how big is it?
We are not going to talk about my caboose in a public setting. But I haven't needed to beep when I back up yet.
6. Budweiser or real beer?
Real beer. Oranjeboom is lovely.
7. What do you feel about your nose?
When it's working correctly, I'm rather partial to it. When it's not, I'd like to turn it in for a new one.
8. Children: Baked or broiled?
You're very lucky we didn't have a microwave when you were little, dearie.
9. Do you like it when I do this?
As long as you mean it and you smile.
10. Do you like the sound of chickens?
I get a big chuckle out of chicken noises, but it's a little weird when they're all gathered out by the front door, making that low, menacing "errrrr-errrrr" sound. Like they're waiting for fresh calf-meat.
11. Would Beyonce clip her own toenails?
She's young, so they're probably still nice and thin and easily clippable without resorting to garden loppers. I'd think so. But then she has a lot of money and pedicures are very decadent. I think she has them clipped by a professional.
12. Do you like pork?
There's that definition thing again.
13. If the butter is soft, does the bus arrive on time?
Is this a Zen question, grasshopper?
14. When do you get up?
Generally upon the 13th hot flash of the night, which means it's morning, I'm furious, sweating, growling and exhausted, and it's a damn good thing no one else is up then because it's still dark and murder sounds pleasant.
15. How did you survive childhood?
I retreated into my imagination, read lots of books and worked hard to become invisible. That last didn't work, but I'm still here, aren't I? Aren't I?
16. What do you do before bed?
Eat Tums and call the dog.
17. What are your hidden charges?
Wouldn't YOU like to know. You'll get my bill. Hmmm. That's 25 years multiplied by ...
18. Who's behind you?
Nanao Sakaki, Dylan Thomas, Jorge Luis Borges, W.B. Yeats, Peter Ustinov, Sam Harris and Anthony Shadid. Oh, and Leslie Marmon Silko and Marge Piercy.
19. Why don't people go to the bathroom on TV?
Only you would ask this question. But honestly, do we really want to see Tim Russert on the pot with his pants around his ankles? I thought not.
20. What's a soylent green popsicle?
A sweet summer treat for Charlton Heston.
21. What does it taste like?
I hear it tastes like chicken. Or pork, depending on which definition you prefer.
22. Why doesn't Consumer Reports rate hookers?
Beats me, but I'm sure there are plenty of porky guys out there who'd love the job.
23. Does George Bush replace the toilet paper tube?
I really didn't need that image, dear. Oh, ugh, worse than Russert. But to answer your question, I don't think Junior could figure it out on his own.